Well Darn!
Sadness is lingerin' around everyone whether it be one thing or another......So I'm attemptin' ta make every smile darn it!

Now these are JUST for kiddin' These jokes are not meant to offend or tick anyone off. & if it does then PLEASE tell me--& jus' let it be known that it wasn't intended [I hope these make all of you laugh if not at least crack a slight smile]
When I find more jokes in this horrid comp of mine I'll post 'em ta see if I can make ya guys laugh or smile some more

Luv you guys

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Canine Religious Education:

Then there was this man who had a dog that he was attempting to train,
but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he
happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened
his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog
with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The
reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a
demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch."
Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns.

The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet.

"Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is
very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the
evangelist.

"Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's
forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."


******************************************************



> > Subject: A hilarious parochial school joke
> >
> >
> > L ittle Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School.
> > Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,called
on
> > her
> > while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the
universe?"
> >
> > When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
> > behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
> >
> > "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
> >
> > The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
> > A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
> > But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to
> the
> > rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
> >
> >
> > "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the
> > Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
> >
> > The Nun asked her a third question...
> >
> > "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again,
> > Johnny came to the rescue.
> > This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
> thing
> > in me
> > one more time, I'll break it in half!"
> >
> > The Nun fainted


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UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.

DRESS CODE.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and, therefore, you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS.

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK.

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT


******************************************************



Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, s Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded' "Why yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes. I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you two idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your sorry butts in jail for contempt.”
******************************************************



Breasts

The family all got together recently, and were just
hanging around at Mom and Dad's. My sister was
browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little
piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she
then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts
increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So,
how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without
even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard
enough."

******************************************************



THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
=================================================================
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
------------------------------------------------------------------
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
------------------------------------------------------------------
My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
------------------------------------------------------------------
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!